Finally, a proper drug

Well I gave it a go. Seven months after its installation up my spine, accompanied by a battery that has left a lump on my left side, I have concluded that the Spinal Cord Stimulator does not bloody work. Not for me, at any rate. We’ve tried every setting bar one and none of them has made a blind bit of difference to my pain. RIght now, it’s switched off.

We will explore that final setting in the Spring but, in the meantime, I shall explore the delights of medical marijuana. Had a chat last week with a consultant and he promised to fix me up with some real good shit.

No dude, it’s legit. Cannabis is legal in the UK if prescribed by a doctor and dispensed through a pharmacy. The Medical Marijuana Clinics can select from strains of the plant to treat a range of conditions. The default method of consuming the stuff appears to be vaping which, even though I wouldn’t have to hang around on a street corner with me bum-crack showing, doesn’t appeal. So, as soon as I have parted with the required readies — the stuff does not come under the NHS, sadly — I will be supplied with two bottles of oil to drop under my tongue. Sub-lingually, madam.

The useful ingredient in both of these is CBD oil, which is readily available in health-food shops to treat sundry ailments. It worked for me, once, for a few weeks. But there will also be a squirt of THC, which is the stuff that makes you high. I forgot to ask if the lower, day-time dose may have that effect. The second bottle features a higher concentration of THC and will be designed to help me sleep. I also forgot to ask if I can drive the following day. (Hell, if it works I’ll sell the car and use taxis.)

The downside, to a Brit used to getting all his drugs for free, is that it’s bloody expensive. I’ve parted with 70 notes for the consultation and will pay a similar amount for any follow-ups, plus each prescription and each delivery of Mary Jane. I estimate about 150 quid to set up and running costs of 120-odd per month. If I switch to vaping I will also pay for the device and a set of scales to measure out the flower.

So will it work? The acid test will be not if it does work, but if it continues to work for more than a few weeks, delivering lasting relief. It’s been 37 YEARS fer Chrissake! It’s beginning to affect my sunny disposition.

Watch this space.